Posted: 2017-09-15 12:15
Quick situation I wanted to run by you: I was picking up my dry cleaning and there was this good looking guy there. We were the only two in the store. While the person was getting my dry cleaning, I did the smiling eye contact with good intention thing, and then he came over and we started a conversation back and forth about how good a dry cleaning place it is and how fast and reasonably priced they are.
I couldn 8767 t figure out how to shift the conversation to something else. I got my dry cleaning and smiled at the guy and left.
It was actually really interesting. The study showed men consistently rated themselves too highly, went after women right out of their league, got knocked back. Women consistently rated themselves as less attractive than they are, went after men well within their league, fewer knock backs. However, the more attractive men did not mis-rate themselves and did not have this problem. Average men consistently tried to latch onto women they had no realistic chance with.
Christine Marie Mason is one of the most extraordinary people I know and one of my favorite humans. She has been an entrepreneur, CEO of 6 different companies, BA and MBA graduate from Northwestern University, organizer of nine TEDx events, a yoga teacher, artist, musician, mother of six fantastic kids, grandmother, and most recently, a prison peace mentor. You may also know here from the wise, eloquent and empowering piece 8775 Love Your Body Now 8776 included in The Tao of Dating (Ch 7, p698).
You are not the top 65% of women. You've deluded yourself into getting it the opposite way around. The truth is that 95% of men target 95% of women - that's why a 69 year old, who should be way out of your league as a woman way past her prime , will still contact you and not just focus on the more attractive girls his own age. Meanwhile, 95% of women really do target only 65% of men. You are looking for nothing but hot, single men in their thirties, and so is every other woman on the website. Goes to show what primadonnas women on dating sites are when you can get it all this wrong.
On-line dating is a waste of time for 99% of men. It seem to mainly be used as an attention seeking tool for females (why don't they use such functions as block and change first message length to 755+ characters minimum?? etc.)
As the article confirms - women get message after message (yet hardly seem to respond to most of them) men get hardly any messages (and they don't get a response to the majority of the messages they do send). It all seems futile.
I know guys who constantly say, "Why won't she respond -- I don't get it?" I don't think many of these guys have the kind of creepy-profile pics you describe at all. They're mostly pics of them playing sports, running, spending time in nature, etc. At the same time, most of the women who do actually reach out to these guys are just like you describe -- they come across as desperate. I think that's the most revealing statement of all.
Yeah, online dating sucks. I'm a good looking guy (not trying to sound conceited - but it's a salient point in this context), and I have NO success on the sites. I often get hit on when I go out with my friends, to the point that it's actually a running joke. Yet no girls - I mean none - respond to my messages on dating sites. And my messages are absolutely fine. Never creepy. I'll often ask how their weekend was, or ask about something specific on their profile, etc. Totally normal stuff - yet - responses. It's madness. I agree with the guy in the article - if I didn't have the success I have with women in real life, I'd probably have developed a complex by now. My advice to men is to not even try online dating until you've been on the dating scene for several years and you have an idea of your actual worth. Otherwise, if you have no idea and you base it off of online dating, you're 655% guaranteed to think you're ugly, undesirable, don't know how to talk to women, etc.
The fact that the first stage of online dating is so heavily stacked in women’s favour doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s any easier for them, compared to men, to reach the end goal of pure love or perfect sex. They may have the pick of the bunch to begin with, especially if they happen to be really attractive, but they can still only date one man at a time—they must still filter the largely undifferentiated onslaught of male attention into yes and no piles. Then the yes pile has to be sorted through in much the same way as anyone else does it—by talking, bonding, finding common interests, realising there’s been a big mistake, or a wonderful discovery.
Well, if some of what Martha brought up resonated with you, raise your hand. See? Lots of raised hands out there. Which brings me to the topic I want to talk about today: self-compassion. Prof Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin is the pioneering researcher of self-compassion. Here 8767 s her definition: 8775 Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. After all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? 8776 She says it comprises three elements, which I quote from Dr Neff 8767 s excellent, resource-rich website :
In comparison to the work nice guys have to do, women (particularly average to good looking women) absolutely do appear to have all the advantages. Average nice guys are competing for attention from the creeps, the jerks, the ugly guys, the good looking guys, the hookup bad boys, even other women. All the cards are stacked against us. It's like a message in a bottle or winning the lottery to catch them at just the right time at just the right moment to get a response.
On the other hand, if you do it all in the name of banter and fun, and you playfully ask him, 8775 Are you shy or something? 8766 Cause I know you 8767 re into me, but you haven 8767 t made a move yet. Or if you 8767 re feeling feisty: “Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? You were lying down next to me on a blanket for two hours and didn’t even try to kiss me! Am I ugly? Are you secretly gay? I mean, it’s totally fine if you want to be my GBF, but I just need to know.”
Now I'd ask that you reconsider your question. If your question was based upon a society of equals who were all knowledgeable, reasonable, autonomous and yet cooperative we could easily reason that people would treat each other with kindness and respect. However we've created a system of inequality in which the common citizen holds little if any power and instead lives by the whims of society at large. This system promotes competition as it is undeniably preferable to gain power and move up the social ladder.
Any profile that whines about what they are tired of hearing or tired of dealing with is negative. How bout throwing in a sentence or two describing what YOU will bring into THE OTHER PERSON S life. Not lamenting about how awful you ve been treated in the past. After all, we all train others to treat us as they do. One of life s most bitter pills we all must, myself included.
• Reverend Dr Michael Bernard Beckwith speaks on Wed evenings and Sun mornings at the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. You can either watch the livestream or go to watch from the archives right now for no charge (perhaps the Nov 9 service will be of interest lecture starts around 56:55). He is one industrial-strength wallop of inspiration and the best living orator I know. The services are spiritually-oriented and non-denominational. I think of it as church for people who don’t usually go to church.
Ah, but that 8767 s not the same thing at all! Saying someone doesn 8767 t explicitly need to state she 8767 s a feminist isn 8767 t remotely the same as praising someone who says she 8767 s NOT a feminist. A woman who says she 8767 s not a feminist implies one thing: that she wants to be completely taken care of financially. Most likely, this woman has a job but she will expect that she keeps 655 percent of the money she makes while 8775 her man 8776 (these women inevitably use the phrase 8775 my man 8776 ) pays for everything they do together because she 8767 s 8775 not a feminist 8776 and paying your own way in life is for those hairy-armed women 8767 s liberationists.
I began to learn that the body has rising and falling energies, that when it gets certain inputs it releases certain chemicals, that there is a virtuous loop between the actions of the body and the chemicals that are released, and that this cycle is autonomic until we intervene and override it. We can start to use our breathing and our thoughts to restructure which chemicals are getting released from our minds and into our bodies. We can reprogram ourselves, literally. I didn 8767 t know what this meant until I found yoga.
Online dating really only works for exactly the sort of audience that already has plenty of other dating options. It's great if you're relatively and in a relatively urban area and if your socioeconomic status is broadly similar to other people nearby. I suspect that it's also a good option for people outside the age range most commonly acceptable to a site's users, though that's outside my experience.
Anna - unfortunately, I think the anger you're seeing comes from the fact that you may be the exception to the rule. I don't think most women on these sites give any "nice guys" the time of day, even if they've read the entire profile and mentioned something nice to the girl not having anything to do with looks. Based on the interview with the anonymous guy in this article, I think the issue you're having where *most* men are obsessed with looks alone, also goes the other way around - I think *most* women only reply to the men - nice or not - if they find the man to be "hot". I think everyone is to blame for being overly superficial, to be honest.
Personally, I think the best thing anyone could do would be to work on themselves. The entire reason I even bother with online dating is because I'm deathly afraid of rejection, and get social anxiety. Unfortunately, online dating has led me through cycles of depression, bitterness, jadedness, and maybe mostly sadly - misogyny (since fundamentally I think women are awesome.) But on all levels.. men who want to be successful should be working on their fitness, sharpening their minds, and improving their confidence. Online dating could be a tool for self-improvement, if you let it. But I think a lot of men buy into a "Homer Simpson" fantasy, and expect women to see some inner merit they have, which is hypocritical since (most) men won't go after overweight/unattractive women on these sites.
I think you are right, Ryan. I have used match, and I suppose I could try others. But I don't see how any would get around this fixation on appearance. And I think it is actually not very healthy, when I think about it, when I consider the animosity in these comments, from both men and women. It isn't a healthy way to view your fellow person, male or female, potential date or not - through the most shallow lens. And I think it clearly creates a lot of hard feelings. I will have to find other ways to fine my nice guy.