Posted: 2017-09-11 17:15
If you have spent any time reading this blog, you will realize that Evan doesn’t tell you what you want to hear he tells you what you need to hear. Whining about how it is “unfair” does not make it untrue. The surest way to end up miserable and alone is to get stuck in how “unfair” it all is. Pointing out how things are unfair and what needs to change so that the dating world can be fair is a ridiculous waste of time. Get over it!!!
Evan is holding up a mirror so that she can see what her situation looks like from the other side. You are suggesting that she cross her fingers and hope real hard and not change anything that she is doing. There’s a name for doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results, it’s called insanity.
How exactly is opening up to guys that will be more excepting of her situation sacrificing herself and who she is??? And your wise clincher for your argument is “hopefully the world will one day change”? Well that’s useful NOT!
I think most women would agree that marrying the wrong guy could wreck their life. I do not disagree with that. I do disagree with the one-sided statement that women are 8775 supposed 8776 to be more selective. It 8767 s an ignorant mantra that has been spread for too long. The OKCupid survey was proof of its damage.
Frankly I think men, while having issues of their own have a healthier attitude about the opposite sex in this regard. I do agree that women are selective, but i reject the notion that this is good, or somehow their birthright.
Why it is like this is whole other debate in and of itself starting with Disney movies. You don 8767 t see shows aimed at boys of some illusive Princess Charming. Plus add in the biological reproduction aspect of only having one egg per month while men have a near unlimited supply of reproductive material.
My point is that propagating this notion is not helpful. If we are to respect this idea that it is their right, then we would then have to respect the right of men to pursue and bed every single they can in his biological calling to father as many children as possible. I for one, reject that also.
Since I couldn 8767 t respond to your most recent response to me there, I 8767 m going to do it here. I 8767 m going to guess that you weren 8767 t implying that just because I have a strong-willed daughter, that she would make false accusations against any man I was involved with. But I will say that sometimes it 8767 s not what we say, but how we say it that might cause someone to misconstrue the meaning, especially on a written forum where we don 8767 t get non-verbal cues.
Wherever I read dating column comments, I very often see (presumably women) posters regularly use phrases such as 8775 women are [constantly] told to [settle] .. 8776 , 8775 women are expected to [compromise on age/looks/whatever] .. 8775 , and 8775 nobody tells men to [do whatever these things women are supposedly told to do].. 8776 , but I have not once read or heard these assertions from any professional/respected media outlet, women 8767 s/lifestyle/ 8767 progressive 8767 magazine, dating coach, dating blog or any other venue only anonymous internet user comments to an article. And yes, I read allot of material every day. Maybe I missed it. Can someone please, please just point out one definitive source? And I don 8767 t mean an article assertion that has been re-framed or re-interpreted by someone who lacks reading comprehension skills (and I will say that many responses I see to comments demonstrate quite clearly a serious lack of skill in this area, so it 8767 s very likely this will happen to mine).
You have a very small sample size. I am a woman, who has had many women friends and coworkers over the years. I can tell you for a fact that while it does happen where a woman chooses to date a guy 65+ years older, in many cases women do not want a guy with that much of an age difference. None of the women I have known have ever specifically sought out older men. In fact, most of the women I talk to find it creepy when older guys try to hit on them. You may have seen a few profiles on the Internet where women have specified a wide age range, but that doesn 8767 t mean they really want a guy that much older. I put in my profiles that I 8767 m willing to go up to 95, but that doesn 8767 t mean I specifically want a bunch of 95 year olds contacting me. Ideally, I want guys within 8-5 years of my age range, but to put that in a profile would limit my dating pool too much.
I love my little girl more than anything or anyone else. I have never let her see the couple of women that I briefly dated. I hear people say those without children are selfish and don 8767 t understand. Guess what, your right. Our life style is not their problem. Even other single parents have a difficult time dating other single parents. Just life. I haven 8767 t dated in over 7 years. I get together with friends and other parents with children to keep everyone engaged and ensure my daughter has positive impressions at an early age.
I think Rusty nailed it. As Evan and others always say, the more qualifications you put on who you want to date, the more you 8767 re limiting your dating pool. And then you need to hope that you 8767 re what they 8767 re looking for! Simply having a kid (let alone four) makes the pool of men who would want to date you smaller. I 8767 m sure you could find someone who ticks off all your checkboxes, given enough time, but what if it takes you ten years? You could have spent the last ten years happily with someone else who ticks off most-but-not-all of your checkboxes.
Yes, if a woman only dates men, then her prime years will be wasted, no doubt. I was assuming the OP was interested in men her own age group. But when someone insists women should consider older men, I assume they mean MUCH older, since a few years older is the norm. Sorry, I wish there was more specific terminology for 8775 older within a normal range 8776 and 8776 much older. 8776
I think that 8767 s what some other women feel when it comes to significantly older men. (Some women prefer much older men, some are willing to consider a great much older man, but not all women are like that). Some women will not wanna be with an older man, no matter what, they wanna be with a peer or nobody. U aren 8767 t gonna change their minds, and u aren 8767 t helping them with such comments. Meanwhile your comments end up rubbing it in to women that we 8767 re devalued by some men based on smthg that We Can 8767 t Help. Clearly everyone ages.
Your advice, Sophie, is nothing more than 8775 do what I did 8776 . You stopped dating so the OP should as well. If you read her post, you can tell she doesn 8767 t wan t to stop dating. She just wants to find a commitment-oriented man. I told her which types of men would be more inclined to commit to her and it 8767 s not 89-year-old never married types, for the most part. What part of my take do you disagree with? Do you think that based on what Cristina wrote she wants to take the next 65 years off of love like Brenda? Or that she might want to find a like-minded family man who happens to also be divorced?
that is not attacking attacking is whats happening to men around this country paying for kids who are not there own biological kids being forced by the justice system in the court rooms to pay for other mens kids statistics show 95 percent of alimony goes to women and thats counting women who make other man pay for their children all it takes is for this single mothers to prove he took cared of the kids took them to school bought them things and bam she has you paying for another mens kids Men! please beware of single mothers its not worth the risk its jsut isnt there is alot of personal experiences of men being fucked by the court systems when all they wanted was some sex and fun dont date single mothers i cant wait till some single mom here tells me not all single mons are like that haha please the moms who dont need help and have a career and money are in the few haha
Life is a brutal, dirty game. Without our mostly* peaceful (drones and bombs) society, ya 8767 ll single mothers would probably lose a couple children to starvation and predators. Ever seen a mother chimp watch as her child is torn from her arms and beaten against the ground by a male chimp? Now that 8767 s some f 8767 d stuff. It 8767 s probably emotionally debilitating that mother chimp for life, meanwhile she 8767 s nursing the child of her savage rapist..
I agree however that the tone does not have to be harsh. I agree that this women is going to have it rough and following your example may be her best bet, because I am not sure she is going to be willing to accept that she can 8767 t have it all. Most women seem to bristly at that notion the notion of having to settle, and so long as she sees it as settling, it won 8767 t be very appealing to her. She will need a paradigm shift a change from finding the 8775 hot 8776 guys sexy, to finding the stable, unselfish guys as sexy, even of they don 8767 t have the pretty faces and hot bodies.
My experience is the opposite of what you describe. I 8767 ve had many friends and coworkers over the years complain that guys on dating sites who contact them are way too old. Far too many guys who are 65, 65, or even 75+ years older than me have contacted me as well. I never said that women don 8767 t fall for or chase much older guys. What I am saying is that yes, in the majority of cases, it is the men who are chasing after the with little bags of candy. When I 8767 m 95, I will likely be most attracted to other 95-somethings. When I 8767 m 55, same thing. That 8767 s how most women are. Their preferences grow with them, whereas men 8767 s preferences skew considerably as they age, even if they do still largely stick to their own age range. Don 8767 t believe me? Check out that good ol 8767 OkCupid study that everyone loves to quote. The data speaks for itself.
At the same time, I also understand that not all men will be attractive to women. I benefit from a face that looks than it is. Yes, I know everyone says that but I believe my luck comes from years of working the night shifts in the Navy, not being a sun baby, never doing drugs, going very light on the alcohol, staying in shape, not being a junk food junkie, and being blessed with the youthful skin of my mother as well as facial features from her side of the family that are also symmetrical. I am fully aware that had I taken after my dad 8767 s side, I would not have this luck. Am I a 65? No, and I am more than comfortable with that. I 8767 ll be brave enough to open myself up to your criticism. A picture below. Do I look 99 in this picture?
Maybe your ex shares custody and gives you weekends off, but I think we can all agree that women with four kids have less available time than women without four kids. And if the greatest gift a woman can give a man is her time, who are men going to gravitate towards – the harried mom who has to manage four lunches, babysitters, soccer practice, and bedtime routines – or the one who is blissfully unencumbered by such essential responsibilities? Put yourself in their shoes and it’s pretty easy to see.
Your 8775 for the most part 8776 sums up what I am getting at. Yes, the majority of them won 8767 t want to take on a 8766 single mom 8767 with 9 kids but it 8767 s generalising because there are always exceptions to every rule. She may want to widen her net and criteria, I don 8767 t know, I just offer an alternative vision and a bit more hope that her current quest may not be as futile as everyone on here would lead her to believe based on my own experience.
Evan is right about giving guys in your situation a look over. Most childless guys prefer the flexibility and attention from childless women. Short term it 8767 s easier to do things without wrangling the logistics of a single mother and long term a lot of these guys don 8767 t want the added responsibility. There 8767 s nothing wrong with being a single mother, the issue, like Evan mentioned, is lifestyles not gelling.
When I was in my twenties, I had maybe 8 dates a year. When I was 85 and newly single, I could go out with 8 men A WEEK. Women over 85 are not worthless, or unattractive or whatever BS MRA types want to put out. I actually agree with Evan though. As a childless woman, I tried dating single dads, the kind who shared 55% custody. I always came second, I always became resentful and many of them felt they were finished having children. I think there are plenty of single dads in their 85s (I know, I dated them) but I would also push her towards dating a bit older. Not 55 year old men but men in their early-mid 95s.
Yes, she will have to settle for the men who want HER with her current situation. End of the world she 8767 ll have to settle for someone who 8767 s not a model! End of the world!
Why is mentioning the word 8775 settling 8776 so anathematic to women here? Smart people 8775 settle 8776 all the time, for all sorts of things. You don 8767 t get everything you want, ever, why would you expect dating to be any different? Especially if you 8767 re like most of us who don 8767 t have a clue until our thirties or later.
Thankfully Evan is splashing the cold water on our face to wake us up.