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Posted: 2017-12-07 07:30

Illinois has a reputation of passing strict data privacy legislation. The state’s Biometric Information Privacy Act prohibits tech companies from using biometric identifiers—like face scans and fingerprints—without consent. Their Right To Know Act—which passed in May, but was put on hold—requires companies such as Facebook, Amazon, and Google to disclose what data has been collected from consumers and shared with third parties.

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Is the clown using a cellphone? Does the clown’s costume and makeup look rather shoddily put together? Is the clown interacting (amicably) with a visibly human person? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you’re probably in luck. This clown’s just trying to mind its own business unless it’s a gangster clown or a serial killer clown. These clowns, despite technically being human, are known for their violent tendencies and should not be approached under any circumstances.

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Visiting the botanica isn’t a guarantee that you’ll have what you need to dispatch your murder clown, but it should get you in the proper creative headspace. Whether it’s burning it with Florida water molotov cocktails or saying the clown’s true name backwards, whatever method you ultimately use to kill a clown that’s trying to kill you is going to take a bit of improvisation. The more ideas you can come up with on the fly to throw at the thing, the more likely you are to walk away unscathed.

How To Survive a Killer Clown Attack - io9

The second most powerful man in the Senate, John Cornyn, has begun drafting legislation according to one of his aides. You heard that right. A top Republican is pushing for more regulation and less investment. Time will tell if Republican’s can get behind another one of the Pentagon’s recommendations that goes against everything they stand for. The report is asking for greater flexibility on the immigration policy for Chinese graduate students studying in the US. It suggests that these students should be allowed to stay in the US after finishing their studies.

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It’s increasingly difficult to do anything on your phone nowadays without sharing your geolocation information. Certain Snapchat filters, Facebook status updates, Instagrams, and even text messages are all potentially tied to geolocation data. It’s relatively simple for app developers to build in geolocation functionality—and many services require users to opt-in to sharing location data. But now the state of Illinois wants ensure that all companies extracting geolocation data from individuals must provide an opt-in, or else they’ll have to pay up.

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By the time you see a supernatural clown, you’ve got to assume that it’s already seen you more than once and is only choosing to make itself visible to you now because it’s planning your imminent death. This might at first sound terrifying, but the most important thing to bear in mind about is that fear is the clown’s greatest weapon. The more level headed you are in dealing with these things, the better chance you’ve got at properly fending it off.

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Reuters was able to view an unreleased Pentagon report that outlines the ways in which Chinese investors have found loopholes in CFIUS that allow them to avoid setting off any regulatory triggers. The report recommends that new legislation be drafted to update the rules governing foreign investment. It also advises that a list of critical technologies be compiled and restrictions should be placed on Chinese investment in those areas of development. Defense Secretary Jim Mattis spoke to the US Senate at a hearing on Tuesday and he insisted that the CFIUS “needs to be updated to deal with today’s situation.”

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If you’re the only person that can see the clown, things are a wee bit more complicated because it means that the being you’re dealing with is supernatural. The great thing about human clowns (killer or not) is that with enough willpower and adrenaline, you can put some distance between yourself and them. Supernatural clowns are a little bit trickier because no matter how far you run from them, chances are that they’ll catch up using one of their inexplicable abilities.

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We here at io9 take clown safety very seriously, so we wanted to familiarize everyone with a) how to differentiate between harmless human clowns and their (much more) murderous cousins and b) how to confront a clown should the situation call for it. Remember, people, clowns are much less afraid of you than you are of them, so it’d behoove you to have a game plan at the ready unless you’re trying to get got.

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While you should have already called the local authorities to inform them of the clown menace prowling their streets, supernatural clowns are notorious for their ability to confound and evade people they aren’t immediately targeting. What’s more, there’s no guarantee that the police will believe you if you try to explain that an undead/demonic/otherwise-magical clown is trying to kill you. You’re more or less on your own here. Still, though, don’t panic.

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If you take one piece of information away from this post, let it be this: regardless of what sort of clown situation you find yourself in, you’re almost always going to be winging it. If everyone knew what to do when a horrifying vision of carnivals past showed up, we wouldn’t all be scared shitless of them. But again, that’s ok. All you need to do is keep calm, run, and think before you scream.

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To be fair, the vast majority of the clowns you might bump into this weekend are merely going to be overenthusiastic Stephen King fans who gleefully responded to the Alamo Drafthouse’s sick call to arms. But, as is always the case when there are more clowns wandering the streets than normal, it is important to remember that some clowns aren’t just people in awful Party City makeup. Some clowns aren’t people at all—they’re murderous, bloodthirsty monsters who’d like nothing more than sink their filthy teeth into your unsuspecting flesh.

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