Posted: 2017-11-15 06:47
Last night, my wife informed me of the real reason that she does not want to have sex with me. We met each other online and I fell for her even before I met her and she fell for her image of me online. When she saw me in person at the airport for the first time, I did not know that she had changed her mind but did not want to hurt my feelings, so she just went along with me when I gave her the engagement ring. Everybody at her church, including her family, were excited that she found a good Christian man who is a missionary and was going to get married to him. Her daughter was especially excited. We got married in Colombia nine months after I met her in person, because she did not want to hurt my feelings or disappoint anyone. In other words, she never really loved the real me, even though I still love her. She said she could not force herself to have sex with a man that she does not love. We have not had sex since April of last year, and I told her that I could not live in a celibate marriage.
Jen, I 8767 m so, so sorry for what you 8767 re going through. It really sounds like what your husband is experiencing is something external from you. Like you said, he 8767 s shut down from you. So it 8767 s not your fault, and I 8767 m not sure that twisting yourself into knots to find the magical solution is going to work. It truly isn 8767 t your fault. Real depression like this is an illness.
Thanks for responding so quickly. I guess it 8767 s somewhat of a relief to hear that it 8767 s somewhat typical. The baggage is obviously baggage that we created, because I don 8767 t think it was there before we got married. I actually have for 86 Days to Great Sex in my shopping cart right now! I was thinking of giving it to him for Valentine 8767 s Day. How would you suggest I present it to him?
Not enough info. And the reasons could be many.
We don 8767 t like to admit it but we all change as we age, we get older, we get grumpier, our weight changes, our health status changes, hair colour changes, we may have health problems we didn 8767 t used to have, we may moan more about things, we may be on auto pilot without realising it, we may age gracefully, we may age disgracfully.
Many many things change.
And sometimes some people just no longer have any drive or desire for sex. Quite a normal thing that occurs in many men and women.
I was reading the book Rocking The Roles recently, and the authors, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks, were calling for a much more ambitious program of churches coming alongside couples to help in interventions. I think withholding sex is a perfect example where such an intervention may be necessary. They were using the example of a man who was overspending and putting the family deeper and deeper into debt while refusing to get a job. And the elders came around him, asked him to sign a contract stating the steps that he would take over the next month to get things under control, and telling him that if he failed in this task, the elders would help the wife separate (not divorce, but separate until he got his finances under control).
Ann, I would totally agree, and your situation is very different from the one this post is talking about. If you are separated, you need to deal with the reason for the separation and work on those issues BEFORE you resume sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy often clouds other things, and you can 8767 t really work on them unless you stop having sex for a time, as in during a separation. I hope that you have a counselor to work through this with you as you try to rebuild your marriage. Blessings to you
Sex is a complete seller 8767 s market. Always was and always will be. Morons blaming on feminism are just lost. Demand far, far, far exceeds supply (. ashely madison is 95% male, 5% bots). So it 8767 s not the 8775 responsibility 8776 of a woman to satisfy you as a part of some marital contract. She 8767 s just being nice to your horny ass. Sometimes. So STFU and enjoy what you can get it. Or convert to a religion that provides for on-demand spreading of legs.
I know that some think that if I love my wife as Christ loves the church, I should let her stay with me as long as she wants. I am going to give her the opportunity to do so if she really wants to work with me to have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have instead of being just roommates with no romance whatsoever, which I believe God does not expect me to tolerate. If she wants to go to counseling with me and work with me to have the kind of marriage God wants us to have, which of course includes physical intimacy, I will ask God to help me to hold out until she really is willing to have physical intimacy with me. Am I being reasonable enough? Keep in mind that she has wanted to go back to Colombia for some time, even if it means leaving me in order to do so.
I don 8767 t want to use the D-word here, but if it 8767 s even a remote possibility, you 8767 ll want to make sure you did everything possible to salvage your current marriage before you go down that road. (I am a lawyer AND the child of divorced parents. It 8767 s a hell you don 8767 t want to put kids through.) Otherwise, as a thoughtful man AND a Christian, you risk a major future regret. But you are the only one who knows if you 8767 ve made every effort to fix things.
Ann, I am so sorry that you 8767 re having problems with your marriage. In your situation, it sounds like divorce might be the only option if he refuses to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions/behavior. It will be difficult after 75 years with him, but you deserve better. He has issues and it doesn 8767 t seem like he wants to work on improving anything, so maybe you should just move on.
Get as far away from the pornography as you can and leave it alone! Many may not think so, but it will begin to control you. It will please you for a short bit, but the after effect is a deeper sense of loneliness. Jesus said that even looking on a woman to lust after her is committing adultery in the heart. I do not speak this as an outside observer, but as one who suffered a horrible addiction to pornography after being introduced to it when I was about ten years old. It is an awful struggle, and in 7559 of experts came to the conclusion that pornography has the same effects on the brain which could be found with cocaine use .
The worst part of it is from personal observation these same too tired women with no sexual drive or desire always seems to get their mojo back literally overnight when they end up leaving their husband or decide to have an affair.
Amazed at how many woman are bragging about being in some new guys pants on facebook within a week of leaving their long term partners they were just telling the world how much they loved.
Kind of goes against all reasoning of why the sexual intimacy dries up they give.
There could be a billion causes, and a billion solutions, could be no solutions. But unless you discuss it fully and honestly with the only person who can provide you answers, your husband, you 8767 ll never know. We random internet denziens most definitely won 8767 t have the answers you seek unless we 8767 re flies on your wall.
Best we can off is advice. Anyways best of luck, I hope you find a solution that works and you and the rest of you family have a very happy life.
I was actually told when my husband had an online affair 8776 well what did you do to make him do that 8776 and 8776 if he cheated on you, you must have done something to make him do it 8776 and 8775 you weren 8767 t nice enough to him so you deserved it 8776 . The pastors assistant suggested I look at my part in causing his affair. She then handed me a few handouts on forgiveness and a page of counseling referrals for therapists starting at $655 an hour. Since we were fighting forecloser at the time it wasn 8767 t very helpful. I was able to find an intern who would see us. When the subject of my husband 8767 s refusal to have sex for over a decade came up, I was asked how I contributed to his lack of desire.
Dear God In Heaven, In Yeshua our Savior 8767 s Most Precious Name,
I ask you to hear from Heaven, this son 8767 s cry for help.. Please, I ask LORD,
In YOUR Son 8767 s Name, the NAME above ALL Names, Yeshua of Natzaret,
hear his prayer, take from him this immense pain & hurt and deliver him from
the sin that seeks to destroy him. You know this man & his heart reach down
from Heaven I pray & heal that brokenness & remove the lies that seek to
annihilate him Keep him safe, make him Whole and Holy unto you dear Heavenly
Father God, and have Your way in his life. I believe & trust in your every promise
for his life everlasting. In Yeshua 8767 s of Natzaret 8767 s Mighty Name I ask & pray, Amen.
Bless you dear brother
You and Chuck are so right! This should be included in where are we going to live and how many kids do you want all those things that shouldn 8767 t be a surprise after the fact. I think men enter a marriage covenant with the expectation that there will be frequent sex, and in my opinion, they should. But I also think that for some women, once the first few years (or sadly even sooner) has passed, or the children come along, they simply lose interest, and won 8767 t be swayed. I think they think 8766 what 8767 s the big deal 8767 , where for men, it 8767 s a very big deal. Both parties need to be willing to sacrifice and that means sometimes doing it when you don 8767 t want to. Even when you are tired, or don 8767 t feel like your body is very presentable, or there is housework to finish. I can tell when my husband is headed in that direction (even a day ahead) and I take the queue and get my mind right (if it isn 8767 t already), so that when the advance happens.. I 8767 m ready. (The Bible even speaks to this in 6 Corinthians 7:8-5.)
I have tried being loving and supportive, I have tried the whole 8775 I love you and miss you and want to connect with you again 8776 approach, to no avail. She has said that she just can 8767 t be intimate like that right now, that she 8767 s not comfortable. And here 8767 s another thing she fell in love with the affair partner, to the point where now, even though she loves me deep down, she does not feel passionate love for me as a spouse. Again, I see some affection at times, like it seems to maybe want to come out, but it 8767 s like the Hoover Dam has gotten in the way.
She went through with the marriage because she felt like she was pressured to by me, her pastor, her daughter, and others in her church. Although she could have backed out at any time before the marriage, she chose not to because a lot of people would have been very disappointed if she would have backed out. I did not know that she had no romantic love for me when we got married. Had I known, I would not have married her!
I hear you, especially about the validation. I 8767 m really sorry to hear that Tim. I wonder how she would respond if you asked her how she would feel if she brought up something important to her and you got mad and wanted to be left alone about it. Have you asked her? It 8767 s also interesting that the counselor was reminding you to be nice. Have there been times that your wife has perceived you as not nice? Not making any assumptions, just trying to get a lay of the land.
thank you for taking the time to reply i have a lot to think about and reading your blog has helped. I need to find someone to talk to because since I am the one in the situation, it is very hard to see clearly. Obviously, this is a symptom of some deeper issues. It seems like I have tried everything to try and fix this but to no avail we have talked to a pastor and he didn 8767 t follow his advice, i encouraged him to talk to his doctor (he won 8767 t), I have confronted him (without success), prayed, etc. I am at a loss and have no idea what 8767 s going on. I feel like I have no say in this area of our marriage. thanks for listening and letting me vent.