Posted: 2017-12-08 00:42
I think it s a bit of a mistake to assume inexperience means being terrible or in a purely learner position. A new partner always means learning, whether they re your first or not, so having a mindset that s open to learning is great, but you re also not a blank slate you re the one who knows your body and your turn-ons, and a lot of sex with a new partner is guiding each other in what you like. Many women don t want to play teacher, but if you don t approach it that way, it doesn t have to be.
The other thing that confuses me about the whole experience argument is that no one has a right to your sexual history outside of knowing you have a recent STI test that shows you re clean. I ve known plenty of virgins who ve had sex and not disclosed that they were inexperienced to their partner and their partner had no idea, and I ve known many a person who has been with a supposedly experienced man or woman and the sex has been absolutely awful.
There is a difference between assigning judgement to something (. virgin=loser, lots of partners=dirty, poor=lazy, attractive=stupid, rich=better) and thinking quality X is something you are not attracted to, be it height, hair length, lifestyle, weight, age, etc.. In the first case, you assign moral and personal characteristics based on quality X. In the second case, you just do not get pantsfeel for quality X, no moral or character assumptions attached.
It 8767 s worth noting that this doesn 8767 t just manifest as harassing people over social media. It can also show up in how people treat their partners making the more experienced partner feel shamed for having had more sex, using their inexperience as a shield for bad behavior, throwing previous partners in their face during arguments, or as a way of making the more experienced partner do all the emotional heavy lifting. Making someone else the 8775 bad guy 8776 (as it were) for having dated more people or slept with more people than you is a great way to ensure that you won 8767 t get more experience.
Here s the thing about that, though the times in which things are happening all around you have changed as well during those 75 years. They don t stay static, which is something a whole lot of people seem to forget especially in our Age of the Internet, which imo seems to be further accelerating change, even personal carbon-based change (there s actually science on how it changes the brain).
I would disagree with you in the sense that people who have women throwing themselves at them don t have something extra than most of the rest of us. I d argue many do there are plenty of people (men and women) who have better looks, more charisma, confidence, charm, economic status and/or intelligence than is the norm, and capitalize either consciously or not. The rest of us have to learn some of the traits from scratch or compensate, and ideally we do that during our youth. I m with DNL that freaking out about inexperience as a teen is overreacting. But over 85, at the very least it s more challenging, and unforgiving.
With that women are lazy because they don t want to be with an inexperienced man end comment I was like I sooo smell Aesop level sour It s just a hair s breadth away from Hey, baby. Hey. HEEEEYYYY! turning on an NBA All-Star point guard s dime to You ugly b*tch, I WOULDN T WANT YOU ANYWAY once you, the ladyperson, walk past with no comment or, worse, even dare to say No thanks, I m not interested.
I ve seen Quasimodo looking dudes who smell like cat piss and Budweiser go home with a lady every Saturday night when I was working at a bar it s not so much that there s someone for everyone but a disbelief that you re SO INCREDIBLY UNFUCKABLE that you can t lower your standards enough to potentially get laid in the context of my comment of just going to the local dive bar and trying to pick up whatever you could to take home and fuck. Remember this is all following up on your legal choice to get laid if you didn t want to have sex with a sex worker and whether you could get experience, and if experience is just fucking people there s always people to fuck if you lower those standards enough.
When do you expect this conversation to happen? First date? Second? Tenth? Right before you jump into bed? I ask because, unless you re walking into your dates and immediately lead with How are you? I m a virgin, BTW it doesn t need to become an issue until the point where the person you re with has already started to show you you are desirable. So if you re linking your virginity with being undesirable, your date has already started to prove that wrong. I know you may want to scoff and say Gee, that s so helpful right now, but it can be one way to help you be chill with the idea. If you hold off on mentioning you are a virgin, or never say it, then by the time your date finds out they ve already shown you are desirable.
Slugs : At Halloween, teen girl (played by Tammy Reger) is
walking through woods at night in high-heels, and she gets jumped by a man in a skeleton mask who tries to her. In her rush to escape, she jumps into a sewer hole, already missing one shoe. And a barefoot can be seen as lies in water. When the camera pans out to the outside where the man is looking for her, it shows her shoe lying on next to the access
hole, and you hear her screams, because she is eaten alive by slugs. Contributed by Stratius , Erik Lee and feature feature. The scene could be watched on youtube , too.
6. Tell them flat out, That s an inappropriate and assholish question.
7. Deflect with a Eh, it just hasn t happened, or something similar, like the doc suggests.
8. Go on a soul-searching exercise to try to identify the reason, which is probably more complicated that anyone can guess, and is a combination of lots of different factors, but which you can drive yourself crazy thinking about, and then try to explain this to the person by pointing out any flaws that might or might not have caused it.
There s more I could say about my thoughts concerning how you communicate here, and how similar that might be to how you communicate / relate in person, and if they are similar how that might also be something you might want to consider taking a close look at (sometimes, honestly? Just the sheer volume is overwhelming. Have you ever looked at all at the average length of your comments compared to that of some other regular commenters here? I m just talking about an Internet Observation which of course can mean less than nothing but there s something, sometimes, about someone with a tendency, especially WRT a particular topic, who overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains and overexplains , if you get my point).
That means that the for men means that among surveyed men aged 75-99, they have had an average of partners up to this point. One presumes many of them still have a number of sexual partners to come. They don t have statistics on how many per lifetime for people, because we haven t finished our expected lifespans yet, and those that have finished their expected lifespans come from a wildly different set of social norms.
Women aren t lazy, and given how much emotional labour women have put in towards you in these comments, calling any woman lazy is that last thing you should be doing, it s all down to attitude, and a lot of guys (because of toxic masculinity) develop some really shitty attitudes, especially if they think they lack experience or buy into the whole virginity thing, or if they believe that all women (or a majority) must only desire someone who is a sexual Adonis and are too lazy to get involved with a less experienced man.
I m not saying the data doesn t have value. But trying to argue that data says something it doesn t is bad science. We call it out when the other side does it (witness any time anyone mentions evopsych here) and we should call it out when our allies do it. If DNL said, the average man between 75 and 95 has had sex with different people, that would be accurate, and still make the point he wanted to make.
*To head off the argument that someone thinking you re a loser because you re a virgin means you don t have the option of dating them, yes, obviously, but you always need someone else s consent in order to date that person, that s never an option you can act on independently, so the point is moot. What other people s opinions can t stop you from doing (but your own can) is trying to get to know new people, asking people out on dates to see if they re interested, etc., and doing those things with a much more positive demeanor than otherwise.
To actually answer your question seriously, I think Lee thinks that all those traits could be found in a woman and that s just how she is, so it isn t any work to be that way. That just like I for example am outspoken, a brunette, and an author, she d be a working professional, a virgin, no preferences but a desire to please, her own life but available to him whenever Lee needed him, with no interest in any emotional commitment, but not seeing anyone else.
Take, for example, physical affection. Many people who have no dating or sexual experience worry about being a bad kisser or a bad lay or not knowing how affectionate to be in public or any of a myriad insecurities and anxieties. But experience doesn 8767 t necessarily mean that you 8767 re going to be any better at these things. There are plenty of people men and women both whose kissing technique leaves much to be desired , even after having had dozens of partners.
My family are difficult and invasive and stereotypically WASP and even after I started dating I kept them completely in the dark so as to protect my girlfriends from having to deal with them. What I discovered when I introduced my fiancee to them (about whom they had no prior knowledge) was that every single one of my relatives had assumed (without ever talking to me about it) that I was gay and still in the closet. It took far more time and effort than it should have to convince them that my fiancee was not a beard.
You re right that people have their own agency, and can choose to leave or stay. Due to my inexperience it is almost impossible for me to have any confidence romantically or for me to believe that I have enough to counteract all of my faults with a woman. I have no counter argument to my own inexperience narrative every time I even think about improving in this area. I have no alternative logical theory to try to buck myself up. I have only failure. That s the crux of it. If I were ever in court I d never want to represent myself, because if I did it d be for the prosecution. There s hope, but I am afraid I ran out of hope a very long time ago. It s a lot harder to start again once you re over 85 and I don t think I have it in me to try again, so these days I usually focus on learning to live without. I have work, friends, and hobbies to focus on, after all.