Posted: 2017-10-12 17:35
If you are fortunate enough to enter into a dialogue with a woman on one of these dating sites, actually take the time to carefully develop your words so they really express who you are as a person and what you''re looking for in a partner. Use humor too -- this isn''t a job interview for Pete''s sake. But at the same time don''t use inappropriate humor -- be cute, but not an idiot. Focus on emotional words -- express how you''re feeling about things at the moment. Are you an uncle? Did you just spend your weekend playing with your nieces and nephews and miss them already? Mention that. Are you anxious about something in your life? Excited? Sad? Talk about it -- the more emotion you show to the woman you''re chatting with, the more she''ll be able to gauge what kind of man you really are.
I like white guys, hopefully see one to settle down with. Everyone have their own mind of their own, and think different, so we also love differently. when you like or love something you don''t ask why, is just happen!!! Black women are strong no matter how the world looks at them..we don''t give up, we try to make things work no matter the consequences...we love and respect our men.. so is there any reason why any man won''t love us? In quote there is no why.. love sees no boundaries..
Thank you for your reply. It has gotten worse and she acts as if me not being in her life would make her happy. I believe she already has picked her next victim. She vacillates so quickly form love to rage. She makes agreements then pulls them away within hours. I am devistated by all this. I truly love her. I am not in the house currently. I want to go back but I know what will happen. I don 8767 t know if it is the lack of logic in this or if I am hopelessly codependent. She uses her phd as a shield and weapon to try to prove her points with me. It has left me devistated with a feeling worthlessness. I did everything I could to make her happy, put out all of her self ignited fires and delt with all daily crises. My therapist says I am not crazy eventhough I have been made to feel that way by a person with a disorder and a phd. Intellectually, I understand that she is sick and suffering but at the moment I can 8767 t seem to get out of the emotional wake and roller coaster. Thanks again. I need to learn some how that I am not a fixer and everything can 8767 t be fixed with love, support and compassion.
positive attitude does not only extend to yourself, but to others also. hostility is bad for anyone, but it is poison to me as a BPD sufferer. i dont judge you for being offended, but i do disagree with your perception of the above article. i find the article insightful and refreshing in that its tone is hopeful and objective whilst being compassionate. extremely unusual considering the subject. we are not all the same, and the above article doesnt portray us to be us being BPD sufferers. for me, an important thing to remember about my reactions and perceptions is basically, it aint what i read, its the way that i read it. my perception can be affected, negatively or positively, due to my BPD.
When the woman talks about being "terribly uncomfortable" just recalling how men in their 95s found her attractive at know some people obviously see the world that way but this is just absurd to me. Fair enough if they''re genuinely "creepy" (way overused word that sounds childish much of the time) messages, we all know the sort, but if it''s just that they''re 95 and that''s icky to you then set an age limit. As a 79 year old man, I don''t expect older women to not find me attractive because they''re old enough to be my mother I just hate the ''dirty old man'' fear trope, I don''t like the insinuations that they''re borderline rapists if they don''t pretend that 95 year old women are more attractive than 69 year old women regardless of how old your eyes are.
I''ve been on Plenty of fish, okCupid, and since November. It is now April. On PoF, I got lots of views, but the only message was an offer to sell me drugs. On okCupid, I didn''t even get but a few views, and no messages at all. On I got lots of views and lots of winks, but only from guys out of the state, and again, no messages. On and PoF, I even tried messaging guys first, but no responses. Almost all of friends married guys they met on these sites, but I have no idea how they did it.
It built trust, over time. Different stories would be revealed from her childhood, other influences would surface but little by little, her situation improved. Along the way, she confided something to me. She revealed that several years ago her mother had insisted she see a Psychologist, who had diagnosed her with BPD. (!!) I had not told her what I knew about it, that I studied it extensively but it was nice to know that my own evaluation had some further traction.
My situation is very thought provoking. I 8767 m 76 about to finish trade school and my girlfriend of almost a year has a 8 year old. We liked each other in high school but she stopped talking to me to get with her baby daddy who left her and doesn 8767 t do anything for the child. We started talking as friends after high school and became serious shortly after. Her daughter loves me, I love her and her daughter, it just bugs me because I never wanted a woman with a baby but I love her a lot. I wanted to start my own family from the ground up. What should I do?
Given your location, I think the best thing you can do for the time being is to try to develop a practice of mindfulness meditation. It won 8767 t address the core issues as psychotherapy might but it should help you develop some skills for better containing your more difficult feelings so they don 8767 t just overwhelm and take you over. I wish I had books to recommend but I don 8767 t know of anything that will give you what you need.
It needs to be faced that a long term match for those of us who know what we want are going to be 6% if that of the on-line pool. Because for me (I''m gay) a man who responds with a thought out message, has a well thought out profile, or strikes first says something about them as a person. They are not timid, they have self-confidence, they can write, they considerate enough to reply and all of these traits translate to traits in real life.
Thank you very much for your response. I feel that if the abuse does not stop soon I will have to report it as my family and I do come first. Although I am on the understanding that the person has been to and is still having therapy I am not sure what can be done. still again I thank you and I look forward to reading more posts as my son and I are finding the topics mentioned on this site very interesting. My son is in his second year of college studying Psychology and looking towards the clinical side of it.
I can go on and on of the stuff she has done in the past. What I 8767 m concerned about is why she is deteriorating, is this a sign of something more. My Wife ( her mother) and I are ready to do what is needed. The waiting and praying time is expiring. The cops know her well from every cycle. The courts know her well now. The ER knows her to well they help her miss work and keep her job with the injuries and sickness that happen over night. + with every cycle that goes by it seems to get worse and worse.
Regarding the point you have made in regards to how little effort men put into writing as a means of sharing their true selves I would like to suggest that the issue is not limited to men. I''ve perused hundreds of women''s profiles and I can attest that it is a rare person that writes of themselves in a fashion that isn''t simply a marketing job. The vast majority of women''s profiles read exactly like a job application.
Guys this is hard if you aren’t a lover of children I cannot stress this any harder if kids annoy you, or if they get in the way for you, then stick to women who lack kids. If you do love kids, or are tolerant of kids in a friendly way, then you must realize that dating a woman with a child is like dating two people. You have to cater to both on some level, especially if the child is a female herself.
I have seen several therapist and have been in several groups including a DBT group twice. I take meds, and see a therapist weekly. I do not understand Marsha 8767 s book I 8767 ve read it several times. I think I would prefer something that is more compassionate in regards to what we 8775 borderlines 8776 have all suffered. I do however have the utmost respect for Marsha in that she stepped out and admitted she has BPD. I want to personally thank you for sharing your story with us. That is the ultimate gift I believe you can give any client and other individuals out there suffering with mental illness. There is so much stigma and shame surrounding this diagnosis. Several therapists have told me that I can get better and that I 8767 m not a horrible person, but then they do not share their own personal history with clients. Why? If they really believed that these diagnoses were not terrible and curable, and people should not feel shame, then why would they not share their own stories and give hope to those they treat? Instead, we all suffer on someone 8767 s couch behind closed doors (clients and therapists).
I wish there was more in here on the sub-types of BPD. Low-functioning BPs tend to show classic BPD symptoms, whereas high-functioning BPs tend to show more symptoms in line with NPD. High-functioning BPs rarely self-harm or dabble in suicide threats/attempts. So with high-functioning BPs it 8767 s more blurry when it comes to telling them apart from Narcissists. I 8767 ve always had a personal theory that BPs and Narcissists are really the same, but at just different points on a spectrum, just like Autism is a spectrum.
Geoffrey Miller : Yeah. Tender defender is the way that we talk about striking the right balance between agreeableness and warmth and love and tenderness towards a woman and towards her friends and potential future kids you can have with them where you’re really taking care of them. You show you have those good boyfriend and good dad traits. The defender is if there’s an external threat, a challenge, a predator, a natural disaster, a criminal or more abstract threat, a social or financial threat, that you can rise to the occasion and deal with it, take care of it and protect the woman and her kids. Women instinctively tune in to who’s going to be a good tender defender and have the right mix of traits. Women are turned off by psychopaths on one hand because they’re not tender enough but they’re turned off by the wimpy Mr. Nice guys because they’re not good at being good defenders.
pinot... you shored this up very well. There is something alluring about a black woman that is difficult to communicate verbally. I think you summed it up beautifully. The black women I have dated make me feel more like a man, without compromising her strength and femininity. A good friend of mine is married to a black lady. He sums up the difference between a black woman and white woman as follows. If you are out in public, and another woman begins harassing you publicly - your black girlfriend will come to your defense and need to restrained from hitting her upside the head. The white girlfriend, jumps inside the car locks the door and calls 966 with you still standing outside.
Geoffrey Miller : Exactly. If you read all the stuff about you got to be an alpha male and show dominance, dominance is great for intimidating other men so you scare them away but when you show dominance upfront to a woman and you don’t really know how to use it in an attractive way, it codes as danger in a woman’s brain. It activates their amygdala. It provokes anxiety. The woman thinks, “Why is this guy acting belligerent and assertive and even hostile to me? I don’t feel physically safe. I don’t feel sexually safe.” There can be a little bit of an erotic thrill to that with just the basis of those romance novels but if you don’t know what you’re doing with dominance, it can drive a lot of women away.
Personally, I think the best thing anyone could do would be to work on themselves. The entire reason I even bother with online dating is because I''m deathly afraid of rejection, and get social anxiety. Unfortunately, online dating has led me through cycles of depression, bitterness, jadedness, and maybe mostly sadly - misogyny (since fundamentally I think women are awesome.) But on all levels.. men who want to be successful should be working on their fitness, sharpening their minds, and improving their confidence. Online dating could be a tool for self-improvement, if you let it. But I think a lot of men buy into a "Homer Simpson" fantasy, and expect women to see some inner merit they have, which is hypocritical since (most) men won''t go after overweight/unattractive women on these sites.