Posted: 2017-12-07 14:10
You nailed it right on the head, Anonymous. My ex boyfriend was very similar, threw tantrums, picked me apart over really innocent stuff, always accused me of 8775 mocking 8776 him or 8775 lecturing 8776 him. It always felt like I was walking on eggshells. Finally, one day, I had just had enough. He sent me numerous text messages and the final one was: 8775 DO NOT contact me again about this issue today. I am in no mood to discuss this since you have such a contrary attitude currently. 8776
I also have experienced not quite as blatent criticism. I tolerated it for awhile since I 8767 m one that is confident in myself and can laugh at my imperfections. However, after a few of those 8766 haha 8767 comments, plus other huge problems like a closed heart, I ended it after 5 months. I 8767 ll be damned if I 8767 m going to allow someone in my life and expend energy on someone who doesn 8767 t believe I 8767 m the cat 8767 s meow. I would rather enjoy my beautiful, fun life on my own. I wish him the best, and hope eventually he can see how his behavior is hurtful to others by learning to open his heart.
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I don 8767 t intend to say that there are not judgemental people, but this does remind me of a behavior that I think is becoming way too prevelant in dating today. In this world of transparency and acceptance, I do find that sometimes people share WAY too much stuff with people they JUST MET! Then they wonder why they were being judged harshly. And sometimes, there are things that just do not need to be shared, ever. You don 8767 t need to know everything about my past and everything I have ever done to 8775 know 8776 me. And there are some things I would never reveal to a partner. It was wrong, I am terribly sorry I did it, but do I want the current man I am dating to know about it? It was a mistake and will never be repeated, so what do I gain by telling him and now making my junk his junk to deal with? I would not lie about something that could affect him (ie I would not lie to someone I am deeply involved with about my financial situation, which could end up impacting them). And some things perhaps could be shared when someone already loves you, and then they may be much more accepting of what happened because they already care for you.
Yes, yes, yes! Dump him. I married my judgmental boyfriend. It all got worse from there on out. I could do no right. I wasn 8767 t smart enough, athletic enough, successful enough, not a good enough mother, lover or housekeeper. If I wore a skirt, he said I looked dowdy, If I wore jeans, he said I looked masculine. On and on. One time I just asked him, 8775 if I 8767 m such a mess of a person, what does that say about you that you married me? 8776 And of course in return I got the ultimate gesture of disdain. he rolled his eyes at me! It took 67 years to extricate myself from his clutches self esteem hanging by a thread. I still remember many of the ridiculous things he said to me and I somehow tolerated it. Four years later I have mostly recovered. The one upshot is that I have keen radar for any type of judgmental behavior in the men I meet now and I completely recoil from it. It is the most flagrant red flag there is.
There are many reasons why people end up with judgmental mates. It 8767 s not always that apparent at first. My ex-husband was not that way at first but became that way over a few years. Of course a person probably needs to work on self-esteem and self-awareness if they keep choosing these types of people, but to to say 8775 there is obviously something wrong with you 8776 is judgmental in itself and not very helpful. Perhaps you could rephrase in a way that is direct but not so negative.
Exactly. That was my ex, to a tee. He was about 8 years older than me, but had the emotional maturity of a toddler and I might be insulting toddlers!!! He couldn 8767 t accept that others had flaws he would talk like he did, but it was done in a very condescending manner, and I even said to him a few times, um, if you 8767 re constantly criticizing and putting down this person and venting to me, then WHY do you hang out with them? I only did that a few times because then I got a lecture about how I do not understand people like he does. Uhhhh, yeah, OK, genius.
By the way, this is one of the things that makes me a little cynical about men 8767 s choices in women I 8767 m sure my dad was just thrilled that he could snag a model looking blonde woman at a time 85 yrs ago when Asian men never got white women and ignored the fact that she was a train wreck. As an attractive family man with a decent job, he could have easily found a woman of his own race who supported and respected him and his immigrant experience.
I agree fully. The last guy that dumped me was criticising my 8775 party girl 8776 ways just because I like to go out for dinner once a week and catch up for drinks with friends one other night. This hardly makes me a party animal but it seems he prefers the kind of woman who wants to stay in every night of the week and doesn 8767 t have a social life in other words, he wanted me to change to fit his ideal rather than accept me as I am.
I am suggesting that while a dear friend might tell me something that I can accept because I already know and care for her, a new friend telling all about her past 8775 shit 8776 in the first few months might be someone I judge that I don 8767 t want to get to know more deeply. There are also some things that I just don 8767 t care to know about someone unless it is still affecting them today. I certainly have skeletons in my closet, if I run around sharing them with everyone, I have to expect that some will judge me and not accept me for who they 8775 think 8776 I am because of what I chose to reveal.
Great article Evan, it 8767 s so true. If your honest with your bf/gf about things in your past Ect. And they judge you and make you feel bad about it then dump that person.
My ex who I dumped after being together a week, judged.
I was open with him and told him things about my past that I use to party alot and take some
xtc pills (which I don 8767 t do now days) and he just gave me this weird look and kept saying how silly that was. After that I felt like I didn 8767 t want to tell him anything else..and I would watch what I would say, so I really couldnt be myself around him.
Going on 68yrs of wasted time & energy, I 8767 m bankrupt emotionally. I have left this judgemental man a number of times through out theses years praying for a change. I have a son with with tjis stubborn mule, thats the only bond now. There 8767 s more to him then his paranoid jealously he was divorced and his X gave me HELL. Now i am leavibg him for good moving to another state. My son will be 68 and wants to stay eith him my biggest fear us what this man is teaching him.