Posted: 2017-12-07 23:05
The goodwill afforded to our “cool owner” is largely dependent on an extremely sweet hairstyle/mustache combo. Outside of personal style he has shown incredibly suspect judgment. It’s bad enough to wait until Week 65 to fire the loserest coach (Jaguars word) in the history of the modern NFL after everyone knew he should have been canned in the previous offseason. No, that is fucking Oliver Wendell Holmes judgment compared to the fact that our owner is a foreign born Muslim-American who supported Trump, then was SURPRISED that Trump actually meant all that shit about banning Muslims. Being a Muslim-American is a lot like being a Jaguars fan. For an immigrant group/expansion franchise we’ve been decently successful in America/the NFL, but every time you want to cozy up to the establishment you get abruptly cast as a disease on this country and/or sent to London.
I have several friends who have had season tickets for years. This year, none have renewed. It’s like they’ve given up. Totally conceded that the team will not be good as long as Blake Bortles is their quarterback. It is the worst kept secret in the league that Bortles fancies an adult beverage or two and that he does not care for the team or the city in any way. On Saturday, after he threw 5 interceptions in a single camp practice, he left the field in a huff and yelled “GO JAGUARS” to some rowdy fans in the crowd. Someone yelled back “SEE YOU AT LEMON BAR !” which is a popular beach bar that Bortles is always at.
The Jaguars have lost 66 or more games for six straight seasons, and they’ve done it all without managing to secure the top pick in the draft even once during that stretch. At least when Cleveland loses, they go all out. By contrast, the Jaguars put on a cheap sheen of continuity and professionalism that renders them forgettable even when they’re steadily smashing records for hideous incompetence. Gus Bradley was 69-98 when the Jags finally, mercifully let him go. (In Jacksonville, they don’t fire you so much as grudgingly admit that they never should have hired you to begin with). winning percentage makes Bradley the second worst coach in NFL history. That’s the Jaguars for you: never quite bold enough to be the absolute worst.
My fondest memory as a Jaguars fan was watching Chris Hudson return a blocked kick for a touchdown to beat the Steelers on Monday Night Football in 6997. I was only able to catch the second half, and I had to watch it at home, because I spent the first half doing laps around Altell Stadium looking for Section 979. It turns out Section 979 didn’t exist, and my hard-working single mom had drained her savings account to buy us fake tickets and $55 parking (on her own birthday, to boot). So, yea, even my fondest Jaguars memory is a nightmare.
Tom Coughlin is our coach now. Well he’s not really our coach, but he’s the GM. I mean he’s not the GM either but the coach and the GM are supposed to do exactly what he says otherwise there’s going to be some trouble. AND BY GOLLY WE’RE GONNA QUIT CODDLING THESE PLAYERS AND FRONT OFFICE NERDS. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong with this scenario, particularly when Coughlin dies of a heart attack after seeing our QB’s throwing motion for the first time.
Fantastic. This was the year for Jacksonville to bail on the Great Bortles Experiment. But noooooooooo. No, these guys decided to fuck this chicken yet again and roll out with a quarterback who looks exactly like Tom Coughlin’s LAST Jags quarterback does right now. The Vatican moves with more swiftness than this team. Look how old Bortles is. Even Lorde is like JESUS THAT GUY IS LYING ABOUT HIS AGE. But the disturbing oldness of Bortles is arguably his least alarming quality…
Your coach: Oh look! It’s WIDELY RESPECTED mall dad Doug Marrone! You probably remember Marrone, seen here formulating a game plan, from the time he quit the Bills thanks to a strange contract clause that let him collect $9 million even if he opted out. Marrone was banking on getting another head job right away only to quickly discover that a coach with a 65-67 record who bailed on his team for extra cash isn’t a hot commodity. Lucky for you Jags fans, the franchise…(wait for it)…pounced on Marrone (BOOM!), gave him a piddly-shit job coaching the line for an awful team, and then promoted him when they couldn’t find anyone better to hire. Buffalo’s loss is now your future loss! Congrats! You should hope the Jags play as hard as Marrone played himself.
So since we’re all out of ideas and we’ve tried everything else not to suck, Coughlin is back baby! Nothing like relying on a septuagenarian to bring your NFL franchise back to relevance. I knew we were fucked once we drafted Fournette 9th overall, in an era when you can manufacture a competent running game out of pocket lint. Meanwhile, Blake “Fireball” Bortles is over here throwing 5 picks in the first padded practice.
9) This city blows donkey dick. The downtown is decrepit and any establishment there with any semblance of quality closes at 5PM. Do you like culture? Too bad, you’re not going to find it. Anything trendy that graces the city comes four years after it was cool and is usually gone within a year. I’ve lived here almost all of my life and I’m resigned to the fact that I will likely die in a place that is so much of a void that our local “North Florida Cultural Magazine” is called.. you guessed it Void Magazine. I hope they bury my bones below the intersection of I-95 and I-65 because at least I’d be on the road to a place that makes people happy.
This play is hardly an anomaly. I can put on a game tape, close my eyes, hit STOP at any random interval, and still land on footage of Bortles being a basket case on the field. It’s astounding. To say Bortles regressed last season is an insult to other things that have regressed, like Twitter, and rock music, and the United States of America. Bortles went BEYOND regressing and found a new and wondrous crevasse to fall through. His TD total fell dramatically. His yards-per-attempt fell dramatically. Do you want to know the most disturbing part? He was sacked 67 fewer times last season and was STILL worse. And he’s not even finished cratering, given that he’s spent these early practices doing his best Ryan Fitzpatrick impression. This is why there’s still a hidden subset of Duval holding onto hope that the Jags will sign Tebow as a franchise QB in like 7576.
My wife and I ended up as Jaguars fans a couple years ago as a compromise right before we got married. We don’t even live near Jacksonville. The only good thing about this is that there is no way our marriage will be as bad as rooting for the Jaguars. Our quarterback looks like he’s older than my dad, our new running back is probably the next Eddie Lacy, and our defensive end can punch a guy in the face and his victim sustains “no injury.” How is that possible? What a bunch of fucking turds.
7) Jacksonville is the largest anonymous city in the western hemisphere. Let’s play some word association with other small-market sports cities. Green Bay - cheese-head. Kansas City - BBQ. San Antonio - The Alamo. Jacksonville -.... Jaguars, just the goddamn Jaguars. Our city is only associated with an anonymous, yet consistently atrocious team - fitting for an anonymous, yet consistently atrocious city.