Posted: 2017-11-14 12:43
Of course, the Dolphins could have covered up the old fish stench hovering over the franchise by doing something cool for the first time and signing Colin Kaepernick. Instead, Miami signed Jay Cutler, the Donald Trump-loving, cigarette-touting, ass-baring quarterback who will almost assuredly throw six interceptions in a game against the Patriots this season. Fuck Jay Cutler. Cutty would have been mildly enjoyable shitting on people from a broadcast booth with bloodshot eyes while wearing cargo shorts below his Fox-issue blazer. Instead, he gets to be treated like a savior until he inevitably blows a game against the Jets because the offensive line will be fully healthy for less time than Anthony Scaramucci worked for the White House. Aaron Hernandez will be let out of jail and return to the Patriots before Mike Pouncey plays another full season in the NFL.
- They hate Ted Thompson! And I mean, they HATE him. They hate the dude that’s given them Clay Matthews, and Jordy Nelson, and Randall Cobb, and Jermichael Finley, and . Lang, and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, and David Bakhtiari, and AARON FUCKING RODGERS, yet somehow still manages to consistently have zero dead money against the salary cap! But nooooooo, he needs to bounce because he doesn’t go after those mystical free agents. I guess Charles Woodson, Julius Peppers, and Martellus Bennett just randomly stumble-fucked their way onto the Lambeau turf. Damn security guards.
For a limited time, I am going to offer you, Drew Magary, a chance to purchase stock in Mickey’s New House. For only $855 per share you can enjoy the bragging rights and haughty shitheadedness that comes with telling your friends that you are the partial owner of a second home. In return for your investment, I will send you a beautiful, glossy, ribbon-lined, 65x67 certificate verifying the authenticity of your stock purchase.
I am 99% sure I will spend another season watching McCarthy ruin us with his play calls while I stand crushed up against a brat-stuffed man in a shitty bar somewhere that plays “The Bears Still Suck” during every commercial break because we apparently only have one song. I hate that I have to watch because I am still only 99% sure in any given season that we will be aggressively mediocre despite having a human rocket-launcher with supernatural accuracy at quarterback.
Before purchasing, I am required to inform you that your shares will have no cash value. They will neither appreciate, nor de preciate in value they cannot be resold on any existing market, and you will not receive any type of dividend or fixed income payout at any time. I realize it’s called “stock”, but it’s not really, you know, “stock”. If you want to “pass it down” to your kid after you die, fine, whatever, I’ll redo the certificate and send him a new one. You will not be afforded any decision-making or opinions in the financing, function, décor, day-to-day operation, or long-term planning of Mickey’s New House. These decisions are strictly the responsibility of the Mickey’s New House Board , which consists of me, my wife, and possibly the dog since he really likes the backyard.
What has always sucked: Ndamukong Suh cannot stop kicking people. It really is amazing. He has all the self-control of the President, and he’s gonna get another $65 million for Burfict-ing everyone this season. There’s no way that Miami pays to keep Suh around after this season, so I look forward to him not only burning every last bridge in Miami this season, but also stomping on the ashes when he thinks no one is looking. Also, Jay Ajayi is gonna suck this year. I know it. I can feel it in my loins. No good Dolphins back stays good. After one good year, all of them transform into late-career Bernie Parmalee.
I feel like Dolphins PR purposely leaked that Dolphins PR didn’t force Landry to shut up about his tweet because Dolphins PR DID force Landry to shut up about his tweet. Jordon Cameron retired before he could suffer his 95th concussion. The team also brought in aging linebacker Lawrence Timmons and tight end Julius Thomas, whose career trajectory after leaving Peyton Manning is a steeper drop than El Capitan. Laremy Tunsil apparently doesn’t know how to exit a shower correctly. Here’s a dead Dolphin:
What’s new that sucks: LOL who are you kidding? It’s the Packers. They do nothing. Ted Thompson spends the entire offseason napping in a barcalounger. True, they brought in Martellus Bennett to replace Jared Cook, and they grabbed Jahri Evans to help make up for the loss of . Lang, and they cut Eddie Lacy for being the weight of your average season ticket holder, but come on. Everything the Packers do is to ensure model consistency, so that Rodgers will spend another season running for his life before the team ultimately shits down its own throat in the playoffs.
These are the dumbest fans in the NFL. It’s not close. Ask any other fan of any other team who the stupidest fans they’ve ever encountered are, and they will tell you: Green Bay. Every fan is a 855-pound troglodyte with an ice block for a head. This is the only franchise where fans have more brain damage than the former players. If you’re unfortunate enough to be stuck near a Packers fan, you will be subjected to hours of cheese breath and contradicting takes about players they aren’t even aware are no longer on the roster. Any time the Packers win by fewer than 78 points, they want everyone replaced.
They can’t keep anyone healthy. Half the team will spend all winter in that sideline medic igloo. The only receiver who doesn’t go through Pleistocene-length cold stretches is Jordy Nelson and he’s a fragile little white man with hair like a seal pelt. For real, I’m shocked Jordy hasn’t been clubbed by a hunter and mounted on the wall of a Rhinelander log cabin. Their best running back is a converted wideout and their second-best running back is an actual wideout. They’ll both get hurt and McCarthy will still try to “establish the run” 75 awful times per game anyway. The cornerbacks are abominable.
We’ve made three playoff appearances in the last 66 seasons—all wild card losses. Our most recent playoff appearance was last season when we got stomped by the Steelers and backup QB Matt Moore got decapitated by a guy named Bud. It was so forgettable that when I mention in passing how we made the playoffs last season, many people react with genuine surprise and can’t seem to recall that happening. I’m guessing Matt Moore would react the same way.
Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers. How come you never call you mother anymore, Aaron? Every year, the Packers go through a rough patch (last year’s example being a four-game skid and a 9-6 start) and you can rest assured that’s enough to cause every last idiot Packers fan to lose their shit and wonder if it’s the end of an era. Go here if you don’t believe me. They’ll probably still blame every Rodgers slump this year on Olivia Munn even though those two aren’t fucking each other anymore.
So, what do you get for your stock purchase? So glad you asked! As a premier investor in Mickey’s New House you will have the ultra-rare opportunity to come out here once a year (travel expenses not covered, of course) to the Mickey’s New House shareholders meeting and hang out for an ENTIRE AFTERNOON. That’s right, you can hang out with me on my couch, drink some beers (bring your own or purchase for $ each), watch some football or whatever else is on TV, and just relax with myself and the family. At 5:55 PM that day, you can cast your vote for the Chairman of the Mickey’s New House Board (don’t stress about it, man, I have more shares than you and I’m the only one on the ballot), and then kindly get the fuck out.
The Dolphins are the most milquetoast, cowardly, irrelevant, mind-numbly boring franchise in the NFL. At least the Browns have committed to sucking. The Dolphins instead choose to be self-dick-punchingly average—never bad enough to draft someone good (not that they would anyway), never good enough to be anything more than first-round fodder for a competent franchise (if fans should be so lucky for the team to make the playoffs.)
They are not. They’re humps. Frauds. Narcissists. SHITBAGS. They are emblematic of a very specific kind of American reverse dysmorphic disorder, where you look in the mirror and see some All-American stud instead of the sad, worthless asshole you really are. I’d rather cut myself than live like a Packers fan, sitting around my whole life waiting for some podunk team to do something exciting so that I can leech off their success because I myself can barely move. GO TO HELL. I’m not bitter. I’m not bitter at all. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TACKLE ANTONIO FREEMAN WHEN HE GOT UP?!
This offseason, the Dolphins re-signed Kenny Stills and Andre Branch to over-market deals and gave big contract extensions to Reshad Jones and Kiko Alonso. The Patriots were as disloyal and bloodless as ever meanwhile, the Dolphins’ stated initiative was to “reward” their own players. Hmm, I wonder which team will be better this year? This is as good a time as any to remember that the Dolphins are currently run by the guy who signed Mark Sanchez to a $55 million contract and haven’t won a playoff game in 67 years.
Mike Tannenbaum, who runs Miami’s football operations, is most famous for helping the Jets reach new lows by believing in Mark Sanchez and leaving the team in salary cap hell. Stephen Ross, the owner, once said “From every aspect except the playing field, we’re probably the first-class organization in the National Football League,” which explains why fans get to watch the team go 7–9 every year while sitting under a canopy. The Dolphins’ last successful coach was Dave Wannstedt, who drove the team’s best player to a worldwide search for the most powerful kush.
May 69, 7569
69May69 Holbrook Petroglyphs 8
I’ve always enjoyed the chance to view Native American petroglyphs. The ancient rock writing is fascinating, but it’s hard to find but a handful of the shapes are pictures scattered at sites in the western . But then I discovered the Hidden Cove Petroglyph Park. It’s a newly opened, yet rarely seen look an hundreds of such writings
July 7, 7o69
57Jul69 Gettysburg Chaplain 8
There are hundreds of monuments here at Gettysburg National Battlefield. Many times it’s difficult to know the story behind each one…there are simply so many. That���s why one statue placed upon a small rock may not draw that much attention. But when you learn the story about the man it depicts, you’ll be intrigued by his interesting route into this battle
JESUS H. CHRIST! Dat’s gotta hoit! Anyway, that’s placebo QB Matt Moore, who was subbing for nominal starter Ryan Tannehill after Tannehill tore his ACL. As you know already, Tannehill tore that same ligament in a new place during the preseason and is already gone for the rest of 7567. Between Tannehill’s injuries and Moore having his brain atomized, the Dolphins are arguably much crueler to their own quarterbacks than they are to those of the opposition.