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The Problem with Male Virginity - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Posted: 2017-11-15 02:51

And when I have been so overly offensive that I deserve to be compared to the chauvinistic racists? As far as I can see, most people have been attacking me because of my love to argue, and apparently because I or my friends like to masturbate at the women s safe houses, not because the actual points I have made are offensive. To me it even seems that many people could accept my views, if I veiled them with some ultra sensitivity, like it seems to be the custom around here.

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While people are much nicer and trusting towards me, I really do feel like a lot of the new friends I have only like me because I 8767 m pretty. And I 8767 m certain that I only got my newest job as a hostess at a restaurant because of my looks. While at work I get a lot of unwelcome comments from male customers, and older men seem to think that it 8767 s perfectly fine to touch me without my permission. And like Lily, if I reject a guys advances I 8767 m immediately called 8775 snobby 8776 or a b*tch.

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It s quite unlikely I would be able to tell if a guy was a virgin. I ve slept with guys who said they had slept with 655+ women but still wouldn t know their way around one with a map (my thinking is: I bet you slept with 655+ women because you had to find a new one every time not one of them came back for more). I ve also slept with guys who were terribly nervous because it had been years for them and who couldn t get it up and we had a *great* time because they didn t rush through it and communicated openly. How many times you ve done it does not predict how good you are, is what I m saying.

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It s not looks on it s own that causes me discomfort but a subset of combined traits. I ll see if I can narrow it down..
One thing that sets it off is if she has a very feminine style (?) of interacting socially.. like she acts a bit too impressed with what you say or do.. You don t know if it s sincere or repeatedly poking you for reactions.
Prime example, my brothers girlfriend does this.

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That being said, going back to the Doctor s post if you re really attracted to religious women (particularly if it s women from religion X and not a case of just fetishizing women of faith), then maybe it s worth exploring why. Is it about having faith based social values? Is it an interest in becoming observant or learning more? Or is this an environmental issue (based on where I live most people are really religious so the law of averages are not on my side)? Because being aware of something like this might change your individual pursuits (and thus who you are and how that is/isn t compatible with dating) and then also screening out incompatible dates.

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Because whether your interaction with the person is romantic or friendly or professional, knowing they will take the opportunity to be at odds with you over trivial bullshit makes their company EXTREMELY unappealing. A boxer might like to spar for the sake of sparring, but if he doesn t restrict himself to people looking for the same thing he ll end up arrested for assault. Would that something similar happened to his nonviolent equivalent.

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Basically, what s your passion? What do you enjoy doing just to be doing it? What do you wish you were better at? It seems like I usually fall back on prsonal anecdotes but this time I ll try the reverse. Here s the hobbies I kinda-sorta would like to do but set aside in favor of others because I just don t have the time. In other words, these are less important to me than the things I m doing right now. Fire performing, belly dancing, stage magic, parkour, wushu, capoeira, mobile app design, citizen science, going to Haiti to learn from a Voodoo priest, making fan films, an Internet radio station where I can do Wolfman Jack style DJing, setting up a mobile drive-in movie theater...

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Of course, because they 8767 re so anxious about being an 8775 older 8776 virgin where 8775 older 8776 can range anywhere from  65 to 55 that they can 8767 t bring themselves to talk about it. The fear of being 8775 outed 8776 as a virgin becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. They so fear rejection for being virgins that they can 8767 t bring themselves to approach women. They can 8767 t bring themselves to approach women, so they don 8767 t have opportunities to lose their virginity. They continue to get older, becoming even  more anxious. And so the cycle continues, leaving them feeling ashamed, lost, even bitter and resentful. Sex goes from being something to be enjoyed to a giant  monolith  of titanic proportions that casts a shadow over everything they do and who they are.

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For instance, in the example I gave above, there was simply no effing way I was going to make a romantic overture to that girl until/unless I was 99% sure that it would not end in a faceplant.  My first thought was 8775 Oh, cool, I get to work next to a pretty blond all summer, that will at least be diverting. 8776   Not, 8775 Gee, I 8767 d really like to ask her out but it 8767 s scary. 8776   Asking her out was not just not something that occured to me.  She had to make it clear to me that I had 8775 permission, 8776 which she did in various ways that still did not equal 8775 making the first move. 8776

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I think the problem is that a lot of guys in the second group stop at I want to have sex and I m not getting the sex I want, and never move on to maybe the problem is my serious social problems and possibly other issues. Instead they decide that there s nothing wrong with them and start blaming women instead. Hint: this doesn t make them MORE attractive as sexual partners.

Maybe I can t expect someone spouting hateful crap to change their ways just because I call them out on their shit, but when I do call them out on it, I m showing anyone else who reads it that there s at least one person (besides them maybe) who doesn t subscribe to what this asshole is saying, that not everyone thinks those horrible things, and that anyone whose attitude was neutral up to that point doesn t have to side with the asshole saying the horrible things because there s another side.

Every time someone brings up the Frat Boys are Assholes complaint, just remember this bit my ex and I had:
Frat Boy: Hey BiSian, did you know your name means ethnicity slut ?
BiSian: You re disgusting! Don t touch me!
Frat Boy: (attempts to grab my ass)
BiSian: Don t touch me! Fuck you asshole!
Frat Boy: You already did!
Bisian: (pause) Okay, yeah All right, let s get a drink.
We were both very aware of how it looked, and I had to explain we were just fucking around to several irate bar patrons And now I realize it s very telling that I only had to explain to several people yay Bystander Effect.
Anyhow, it was a long-running inside joke that, to an observer, looked like he was being an incredibly disgusting asshole and winning.

I appreciate your anxiety, but honestly, everything I ve heard from listening to the women here and elsewhere tells me that virginity is as much of a dealbreaker as YOU make it out to be. If it s an Oh, by the way, this is my first time and would you mind holding my hand a bit?, a lot of women won t mind and may even find it charming and enticing. If you re acting like there s something horrifically wrong with you and she s such a saint for looking past it, or if it s OMFG the BIGGEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE those are more than a little off-putting.

I never once called you a jerk or an asshole. I never called you a single name. I speculated that your bitterness was bleeding out into the real world and affecting your potential job search and dating life. Being bitter doesn t mean you re a bad person, being bitter doesn t even mean you treat people badly. It just is an attitude. It doesn t suggest that you behave badly, just that you are bitter.

Oh, absolutely. I totally get that if you deviate slightly from what a SWM is supposed to do, the hate comes out. I do folk dancing, and one time my partner wanted to take the male role, so I took the female role it was fine until I reached one guy who basically pulled out of the dance rather than dance with me, and somehow the dance was rearranged without discussion so that i was dancing the male role again. Very strange. But in general if I dress conservatively in public I haven t had many people bother me at all, and in my social circle no-one gives me shit for whatever I choose to do, although again, maybe those choices are just aligned with what a SWM is supposed to do.

As for the conclusions people are drawing, it s simple Bayesian reasoning. Dudes who act like you and make the claims you make have, in the past, commonly held a bunch of related jerky attitudes and behaved in related jerky ways. Conversely, almost none of the valued members of this forum ever act like you or make the claims you make. If you are claiming to be an exception, then you d best find a way to demonstrate that you are an exception. Otherwise the logical assumption is that your demonstrated behaviors are accurately reflecting the common patterns, and people will treat you accordingly.

When people start out making declarative statements about broad categories of people like women only want status or assholes get all the girls , that s not having a discussion. That s claiming that you are right and, predictably, it often meets with the lived experiences of people who have contradictory experience. If, in my experience, your supposedly factual statements are incorrect, why would I validate them? When someone says I have a problem , people are almost always willing to extend a hand and help. When people want to discuss an issue and are willing to listen to people who disagree with them, its usually discussed... like this thread, for example.

Oh well, the past is the past, but from this experience I learned that:
6) If you 8767 re a guy and you have emotional problems, you can 8767 t depend on anyone else. You have to fix it yourselves. If you 8767 re a girl, sometimes you can count on finding a really great guy who will support you all the way I 8767 ve actually known a girl like that, and I 8767 m really really envious. But I 8767 m a guy. So, gotta toughen up.

In all seriousness though Marc it 8767 s unfortunate for guys like us. The attention these girls claim to want from genuine guys like us is perpetually shunned. And it 8767 s because of their seething double-standards. If I 8767 m wrong and you get much attention from the ladies more power to you. In which case I 8767 m glad there is a guy getting action that won 8767 t take crap from whining people who get so much and still want more.

What you need to do is to accept that it may NEVER HAPPEN AT ALL. Envision yourself being 75, not having screwed anyone, and learn to be cool with it. It s a sour pill, but it s the only way to relieve the angst and fear.
Do the same with all your other fears.
I may be scrubbing toilets at the age of 65, but fuck you, I m still going to love myself and take every last bit of enjoyment out of this life that I can get!.
If people would corner you, laugh at you or beat you, it would really suck but again, accept it may happen and have no fear at all. Never again.