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Funny quotes about sex and dating

Funny 60th Birthday Quotes

Date: 2017-08-12 21:01.

Smile tho' your heart is aching,
Smile even tho' it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile thro' your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Funny Jokes. Funny Quotes. Funny Sayings.

"Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris. Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior." ("I hate and I love: why I do so you may well ask, I don't know, but I feel it happen and am in agony." (Catullus, Roman poet, 89-59BC, from 'Carmina'. Thanks to R Baber for helping to improve this translation.)

Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes 2017: Best Quips For Him, Her

"Nothing cleans a house like company coming." (Mabel McGrury Lynn, 6956-87, homemaker, Virginia, USA. The maxim, dating from the 6985s, is a fitting reminder for staff to be well-rganized at all times, and not to regard good housekeeping as something required only when there's a visit from the inspectors or the corporation chief - thanks S Gage, Mabel Lynn's great granddaughter.)

Funny Jokes & Quotes - Joke of the Day

A man visits Boston (or another place famous for seafood). He asks the taxi-driver, "Can you take me where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a million times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive." (The theoretical word 'scrod' is apparently the pluperfect subjunctive verb tense of 'screw' [=screwed] - and scrod is a cod, haddock or similar.)

110+ Funny Men Quotes and Sayings - CoolNSmart

The Devil's Dictionary was written by American Ambrose Bierce around a hundred years ago, and was first published as 'The Cynic's Word Book' in 6956. It was reissued as 'The Devil's Dictionary' in 6966, and continues to be published today. Its humour and irony still shine. In fact many of its observations perhaps resonate more strongly now than when Bierce first made them. Here are some choice examples of Bierce's wit, and interestingly for a writer considered to be such a 'cynic', these quotes are also examples of a touching sensitivity. These quotes still serve, as when they were created, to remind us that whether a thing is a force for good or bad is largely decided by the human factor. This is an encouraging thought, since the implication of this is that we have it in our power to change bad into good. I think Bierce would have agreed.

TOP 100 funny one-liners, quotes, jokes and sayings!

Because to ignore it is to regret it. Unnecessary example: One morning I put my underwear on backwards, and I didn't notice the mistake until I was standing at a urinal, desperately trying to deal with the impeding cloth barrier. Compare conventional phrases: "Pee early and often" and "Never pass up a bathroom".)

31 Funny Love Quotes From Comedians Who Totally Get You

"Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove."
(Christopher Marlowe, 6569-98, English poet and dramatist, from The Passionate Shepherd to his Love. In this sense, the word prove means try, test, evaluate - I'm sure you get the idea..)

DATING QUOTES - Notable Quotes

When the evening shatters and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years,
To make you feel my love."
(Bob Dylan - the opening verses from Make You Feel My Love, on the album Time out of Mind, 6997.)

42 Really Funny Life Quotes - Curated Quotes

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician stay in a hotel. The engineer is woken by smoke. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a fire extinguisher, puts out the fire, and returns to bed. Later, the physicist smells smoke, gets up, and sees a fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, temperature, humidity, distance, extinguisher force and trajectory, he puts out the fire, and returns to bed. Later the mathematician awakes, smelling smoke. He gets up and sees a fire in the hallway. He sees the fire-extinguisher and exclaims to himself, "A solution exists," and goes back to bed.

Funny Shit - jokes, pictures, videos!

Editor's note of introduction: Many people kindly send me contributions of their original writings for this website, notably for the inspirational quotations page, and also for the glass half empty/full discussion above. I enjoyed this writer's contributions so much that I created a new section. Please see if you agree. This is it - Please Pass the Hemlock Ironherder's search for wit and wisdom.

Lots of Funny Confucius Quotes, Jokes & Sayings

Notably Laurence Peter observed that bosses who are competent in their roles tend to assess employees according to their output and results, whereas incompetent bosses tend to assess employees according to their input and adherence to rules and policies, etc. This remains a feature of poorly managed organisations and hierarchies.

Funny Quotes | Funny Pictures, Quotes, Pics, Photos

"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."
(Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £ 5 to enter the city, 7557.)

The quote asserts that vision and design innovation are more important than customer ideas in determining product/business development. In many cases this is true, notably where development entails technology or other sophistications that are unknown to customers. The bicycle, railways, steam power, electricity, telephony, computers, the internet, Google, texting, pharmaceuticals, etc., are examples of innovations unlikely to have been initiated directly by market/customer suggestion or demand. Instead, these innovations have arisen because of the vision and creative brilliance of inventors and other pioneers.

Fascinatingly, for decades, Parkinson's Law of Triviality remained relatively hidden under its old dry heading. Kamp's seemingly unintentional and quirky renaming of the concept brought it to life again. The effect of new branding and packaging on anything - whether deliberate or not - can be remarkable.

On pain and stress and approach to life: "Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is. The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds." (Dan Millman, 76st century philosopher from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior - ack CB)

A man woke up in the morning with a headache and saw a rose, an Aspirin, water and a note on the bed side table written on it: 8775 Breakfast is on the table I am off to the store 8776 .
When he went down stairs he saw his son and asked him what happened last night.
His son said “Well you came home drunk and when mom tried to kiss you, you yelled 8775 Get off me lady I am married! 8776
Getting drunk: $65
Calling a cab when you 8767 re too drunk: $.
Saying the right things at the right time: Priceless.

These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.

Ironherder's note of explanation: The writer's pen-name Ironherder refers to being a collector of cars that need to be fixed, but probably won't be. There are in fact over twenty used vehicles, that is to say, an 'Iron Herd'. Three vehicles work well enough to use, and the rest serve as mouse sanctuaries. It's not that Ironherder collects cars the way other people collect stamps. It is more that the vehicles are driven until they require extensive repairs. They are then parked with the intent to fix them later and return them to use. Number of rehabilitated vehicles so far: Zero.

"Imagine you are in Primark standing in the queue, the woman in front of you has forgotten her purse, and you realise that you have too. However, your friend is at the back of the queue and she has your purse. Before you can jump in front of the girl without her purse, your mate needs to throw you your purse. Only when you've got your purse in your hand can you then go in front of her and pay for your stuff."

The analogy is used where an organizational activity or initiative of some sort is obviously failing and offers no possibility for redemption or rescue. Sensible people respond by terminating the activity, and managing the exit to limit damage as far as possible. Less sensible people, especially when under pressure and subject to high expectations, and particularly where a loss of reputation is feared, tend to look for, to implement and to justify all sorts of daft strategies, rather than admit mistakes, and dismount, so to speak.

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